Vicious and cruel cycle

I recieved my results yesterday.  It was a joke.  No, I was not talking about the results, but the promises and so called aspirations that I had early into the semester to do well this time because its about time!  I keep telling myself, my parents gave me all this money to support my decision to study in this place.  I, MYSELF wanted to challange myself to see how good I might do, to peak during Form 6 is sad.  Form 6 was, and will forever be the brink, the cliff where people jump off to see if they can fly!  To peak only then is terribly bad timing and satirical fate.This terrible feeling of failing myself is far worse than failing others.  Its like I have a system fault in my brain that hasn't been taken cared of.  I even have to take breaks in between writing this post because my brain somehow refuses to focus for more than a few minutes each time and IT IS DESTROYING ME. 

I got a C in Human Resources and Organisation.  That is terrible, no other way about that.  From the lack of preparation to the lack of understanding of the topic to having insomnia before the final paper, seems more like a delicately weaved disaster than a module-learning process.  I admit that the essays I wrote were really shit to begin with, but a C grade struck somewhere critically.  Feels like a rupture.  The CA was craptastic too? 

I am extremely dissapointed for my B- grade in ME2142.  I could not find fault in that paper except for the 9 marks that flew away.  I can never understand the logics behind giving a grade but not showing someone where did he go wrong. 

Though I have to say, the saving grace suprisingly came from ME3112.  I knew the bell-curve would be steep but the A- gave me a slimmer of belief that I can do well at a core-module too.  Except that come to think of it, the module had a lot of concepts that were similar to when I took physics.  i.e. the force diagrams and the vectors and easy vibration questions because of the open-book policy.  

In the end I screwed up in a seemingly easy paper and did well in a paper that I seemingly would do poorly in.  This kind of shit keeps happening to me!

I realised that to get into Second Upper class I need to make it to the dean's list from here onwards EVERY SEMESTER!  How am I gonna pull that off based on my current results?  Do I want to do this?  I don't want to turn out to be some failure engineer but the ability that determines an engineer isn't really good results!  Am I right?  I could be wrong!  It is a fact, however that distinguished companies ONLY look for people with a degree Second Upper and above.  Things seriously need to change from here on out.  
 
A change will come, it has to come.  I have to keep trying and really do the best that I can.  Cut down on the procrastination, keep getting attracted to the same websites over and over again because it's already hardwired into my subconcious.  It shall be amended!

More posts will keep coming.  This might be able to help me sort some things out.

  I am troubled.  This is not over.

Post-Apocalyptic New World

Blogger and le internet still exists.  Anyway, Happy Winter Solstice!  My dad said since it didn't rain yesterday, it will rain heavily during Chinese New Year.  I'll be sure to check in on that prediction! 

Aimless

I was just lying on my bed looking at the bedroom light when I thought to myself, "I am so bored I could..."  Heck I couldn't even finish that sentence!  So I came here, attempting to write a blog post that I can never fail to neglect even when I try and try to keep it up.  

After i finshed my exams, things were pretty happening for me back in Singapore.  After I came home, entertained my friends for a week, and after two, three days of doing nothing, I'm done.  I have so many things that I want to do, but I just cannot get myself to do them.  Is it because of the lack of drive?  The fact that I get easily distracted and disinterested?  The edge of my mental blade is getting duller everyday.  I have things that I want, that I'm afraid to get because I can't bear the failure?  Rejection? 

Let me just list the shit out 
1.  Summer plans
I want to spend all summer in a foreign land, I don't care where or how... just as long as I can make enough to cover daily expenses and flight tickets, I'm sold.  Cold weather wouldn't be bad either.  Problem is, where to start?  I've already missed the Work& Travel USA stuff, and the country that I'm aiming for is really in the UK cos wimbledon is in June.  I'd be overjoyed if I could catch that in person.

2.  NUS Bursary application
I'm jealous that most of my friends get money from the school when I don't.  I have no idea how come I don't get it, my family isn't rich at all!  The problem now is I'm the only one in my family not working, so chances of me getting it is low.  Might not even bother...  (bad attitude?)

3.  Module plannig
This shit is fucked up.  It is too early for me to do anything for now.



I'm ready to go back to Singapore...